Escape from the Makeover Horde
The main protagonist is the unsuspecting victim of several of those dreadful makeover reality shows on TV, and the main objective of the game is to get the hell out of there. This is most likely a third-person action platformer, where you have to avoid getting caught by the crazy horde of so-called makeover experts and their assistant and fans. Each level ends with a huge boss fight with bosses such as Dr. Garth Dorfchester III, plastic surgeon extraordinaire, and Cy Fennington, carpenter turned philanthropist. “..and the renovation of your face starts right now!”
Incomprehensible Robot Destruction
The name just says it all, really. Will feature robots. And possibly destruction thereof.
Hardcore Squirrel of the Blood God
Already a legend in the gaming industry for his contributions on such classics as Biblical Mutant Troopers and Big-Time Yak of Fury, game designer Filbert S. Shameneux turned some heads when he decided to open up his own game studio consisting entirely of employees named Steve. Hardcore Squirrel of the Blood God is their first game project.
Skippy the Squirrel used to be an ordinary squirrel living in the peaceful forest of Evergreen. But one day when Skippy was out looking for nuts, like he usually does, he came across a horrible sight. There probably was some ominous chanting by robed individuals involved, and some sort of ritual sacrifice. Either way, Skippy was never the same. The cultists who were responsible for this ritual were trying to summon Rasthor, the God of Tormented Souls without any greater success Skippy, however, experienced a rather different story. The ritual the cultists were trying to perform was missing one vital ingredient; a vessel for the blood god they were trying to summon. As it were, Skippy just happened to be there at the exact moment that Rasthor manifested in this realm of existence, thus becoming that accursed vessel. The cultists, of course, didn’t notice this, expecting the blood god to appear in all his unholy glory. After much anticipation, followed by disappointment, followed by despair, followed by disinterest, they ate up the marshmallows, threw away their robes and went home, back to their ordinary, dreadful lives in suburban hell.
The player plays the part of Horace McFarland Jr., an unsuspecting retired squirrel hunter that gets recruited and sent on a top secret special mission by an underground segment of the National Park Service. His only objective: to hunt down Skippy and his growing number of mutated squirrel-human followers before they destroy the natural habitats and molest campers and hiking enthusiasts in the fragile Evergreen National Park. This is probably a first-person shooter with delusions of storytelling genius, and probably involves a marketing campaign that involves things like “revolutionary AI” and “has way more pixels than that other game that comes out soon” and sports “the tactical shooter experience of the year”, and will probably win every E3 award ever because of the awesome press kit (which includes a live squirrel) that gets handed out to very impressed games journalists from obscure but well-respected websites.
Kung-fu Pokémon in the Middle East
This fast-paced brawler is best described as the bastard love child of Satoshi Tajiri (creator of the well known and loved Japanese franchise of children’s games marketing masterstroke; Pokémon) and David Jaffe (the creator of God of War). The game stars the most unlikely creature, a Pokémon named Psyduck. Psyduck gets kidnapped by a shadow organization of blind monks determined to create peace in the Middle East. After years of training, where Psyduck needs to pass an absurd number of mental and physical trials, he is sent into the chaotic world of sand and oil, screaming, karate chopping and crotch kicking his way to a Nobel Peace Prize.
Ghetto Florist Boy
This is probably my most anticipated imaginary title this year. In Ghetto Florist Boy, the player controls Jovantay Macavelli, or J-Mac, a flower shop assistant. It is not an easy job to deliver flowers in the mean streets of the projects, but someone’s got to do it. Armed with a pink bike and a glock, the main goal of the game is to avoid getting yo ass killed. Dubbed “a cute indie title” from the studio behind last years surprise hit Psychedelic Polka on the Oregon Trail,, this game features a retro art style and agonizingly hard platform action with mini-games such as Ghetto Flower Decoration Challenge.
Transvestite Trailer Park Slam
What happens when you get a bunch of trailer park trannies into a ring? Create your own transvestite wrestler and go through the campaign, or duke it out with friends at home or over the net. The main single-player campaign stars Crystal and his her fight for recognition, starring Jeremy Piven as Crystal, with an epic story written and directed by Hideo Kojima of Metal Gear Solid fame.
Master Chief’s Music of Doom
Not one to be left behind on the bleeding edge of game development, Bungie is working on a music rhythm game starring everyone’s favorite protagonist, Master Chief. The soundtrack includes such classics as “Truth and Reconciliation Suite” from the original Halo, and the monster hit ”Halo Theme MJOLNIR Mix” featuring guitar masturbation legend Steve Vai. The highlight of the christmas season, this game is bound to be a hit with every demographic.
Dance Dance Desert Mayhem 10
Each year they gather. Where they come from no one knows. What they do there is forbidden to ever mention. The Dance Dance Desert Mayhem. This epic competition brings all the best DDR masters of the universe to the sand dunes of the Sahara. Here they dance off until one remain.. A revolutionary game that will have an impact comparable to Street Fighter II. No longer will teenagers want to beat the crap out of each other, and the epic dance off will be the new preferred arena for conflict resolution. Unlockable characters include Elvis Presley (limited edition only), Rick Astley and Hitler.
This title is brought to us by the team behind cult classics Narcoleptic Scooter Dash and Hyper Octopus Massacre.
Tom Clancy’s Lord of the Goth Conspiracy
The goths devise a scheme to take over a military industrial compound for ransom under the watchful eye of corrupt UK diplomats. The plot twists when the Goths threaten to unravel the keystone of civilization with wild orgies, unless a turncoat naval officer (you) can gain the courage to do the right thing and stop the Goths once and for all. The game ends with a mildly comical and/or ironic scene in which the Goths blow up or go to prison. Another satisfying tale of political intrigue and personal redemption closes, and we all walk away from this game a little wiser.
“A sign that the lord of generic government conspiracy plots is running out of ideas, this game involves a conspiracy originating in the goth sub-culture of the 90s. Members of this underground society now lead normal, law-abiding lives. You cannot distinguish a former goth from the rest of the American population, which makes them even more dangerous. These seemingly patriotic citizens are part of a nation-wide conspiracy to bring down the world as we know it, and introduce a perverse world order based on the indoctrination they recieved as angsty teenagers. At least that is what this game tries to tell us. Goths are trying to take over the world and it is up to us to OHFUCKTHISIDON’TEVEN…”
- Rick “rizzy86″ Rasmond, random GameFAQs member.
Future Gnome Vengeance
An epic dystopian sci-fi shooter written and directed by Peter Jackson’s lesser known third cousin, Greg Smith. Having poured 10 years of his life, and his entire life savings into this venture, Smith is convinced that he has created a masterpiece. The year is 2863, and the world has been taken over by garden gnomes gone sentient, in the Great Garden Gnome Guerrilla Uprising of the 2630s. Humankind is forced to a life of slavery, and their gnome overlords rule with an iron fist. The player takes the role of Timmy Hackson, a young 20-something human. Timmy’s great grandfather was killed by the Garden Gnome Death Squads during the uprising. One day, Timmy finds his entire family slaughtered. In fact, every Hackson has been deemed a persona non grata and enemies of the state, and has been wiped from existence.
Only armed with a rake, a wrench and some overalls, Timmy decide to avenge his family in this epic tale of love, loss, retribution of justice, human determination, fanatical devotion and possibly desperation.
Honorable mentions
Curse of the Football of the Dead, My Little Grizzly Bear Domination, Eternal Dentist Conspiracy, God of Software Smuggling, Everybody Hates the Monster Truck Armageddon, Violent Jungle Conundrum, Low G Shaving Disaster, and Savage Afro in Toy Land.
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